Pesterlog | Shattered Stories

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

GC: Hey
GC: You there?

GC: Guess you must be busy
GC: [Data Deleted]
GC: [Data Deleted], or [Data Deleted]
GC: Whatever it is you're doing out there
GC: I just wanted to say a few things
GC: Before i have to go fight
GC: Actually
GC: Maybe its better you arent responding, for now
GC: Maybe i can finally say some things  i want to say
GC: That I might not have been able to when you were around

GC: Its been a good few years
GC: A mush better timw than i  probably deserved to have, considering
GC: What I almost did
GC: Thank God I didn't
GC: Well
GC: Thank [Data Deleted], I guess
GC: He's a good kid
GC: They all are
GC: Even these new schmucks
GC: What a sweet and charming bunch of stupid losers
GC: Don't fucking dare tell anyone I said it
GC: But I love them  all

GC: I don't know what is wrong with me
GC: That I can't just say stuff like that, directly to people
GC: They certainly don't appear to have that problem
GC: And you never seemed to have much trouble saying whatever was  on your mind
GC: Maybe that's why...
GC: I have so much trouble with the idea of letting go of you
GC: You aren't  afraid of what's inside your mind
GC: You always seem at ease with your own capacities
GC: Even if they lead  you down a road of self destruction

GC: Like, yeah, we've clashed on stuff
GC: I acted like it was all about ideals
GC: And how mine were better or something
GC: But maybe
GC: I was just pissed  about your attitude of certainty
GC: And angry at myself for not having it
GC: 1 thing it's something I needed in my life
GC: Even if it came from someone else3 
GC: If only to keep me assured it's possible to  feel that way

GC: I know you think I'm weak for needing you
GC: Not that you'd ever tell me that
GC: It's nice that you cared enough to jab me about it
GC: But I could always sense it
GC: That you knew
GC: You knew I depended more on you that you did on me
GC: And you pity me for it
GC: I mean, not like, maliciosly
GC: You probably just see me as a bit tragic
GC: You can't help it

GC: And I don't blame you

GC: I think
GC: Spending time with all those cute goobers
GC: And seeing how when they're all together, they seem to like...
GC: Complete each other?
GC: I think it made me realize this about us
GC: Or about myself
GC: I never felt whole
GC: I still don't
GC: And you made it so  I didn't have to face that feeling
GC: For a while at least
GC: And now that I think I  know this about myself
GC: I think I get it
GC: The feeling will probably never go away
GC: Only covered up at most, maybe
GC: We could win this fight
GC: Create another universe
GC: Succed in every way possible
GC: And I'll still feel incomplete 
GC: Victory wont fix me 
GC: Maybe nothing can

GC: Maybe there's too little subtance inside me to even be fixed

GC: But at least I think I understand that now
GC: And should be able fight without having something gnaw at me
GC: Something that felt unknowable, and made me constanly wonder what I was doing wrong
GC: I'm ok with living like that
GC: Not going to pretend it wouldn't be nice to...
GC: Patch myself up, somehow?
GC: Guess that ship sailed, though
GC: Back in  our session, in whatever way I botched my quest
GC: Or didn't reach god tier, or...
GC: I don't even know what it was did or didn't do
GC: I guess that's the problem, isn't it?
GC: The mystery of it
GC: The things I've supposedly done
GC: Good and  bad, in different realities
GC: The mistakes I made, but can't learn from
GC: Because I can't remember
GC: Or the heroic things I supposedly did
GC: Sacrifices I made
GC: To save you
GC: To sace everybody
GC: Which teel me nothing about myself, and what I'm really capable of

GC: Because I can't remember

GC: Maybe it's delusional of me
GC: To imagine that just having another set of memories is going to make me feel more complete
GC: I can't stop thinking about it though
GC: I guess it's always tempting to think there is one hidden answer to everything
GC: No matter how fantastical or inaccessible
GC: And if only you could find it, you'd finally have the perfect resolution to everything about yourself you can't stand
GC: So I just keep wondering to myself
GC: That maybe if only I could remember

GC: I wouldn't have to feel like this

GC: Uh... wow
GC: I wasn't really expecting to tell you all that
GC: I just wanted to catch you before you go off to battle, and  wish you "luck"
GC: And to let you know how important you've been to me, in a way that wasn't like
GC: Clouded by our usual trash talk and mind games
GC: I guess this is what you get for ignoring me for two seconds
GC: A little too much reality from an idiot who's more  messed up inside that she ever lets on
GC: Um
GC: Anyway
GC: Later, [Data Deleted]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

Thanks, really, God only know what I'd be without you
2014